I Call It Healing
by nevereatdirt
Summary: You haven't seen him in so long. You don't know what you were expecting, but this most certainly isn't it.
1. Chapter 1

You've been waiting in the restaurant now for just over an hour. That little fucker said he'd be _here_ by now. You haven't seen him since the two of you were seventeen and now, at twenty-three, something had possessed you to want to see Karkat Vantas.

Sure you'd chatted on Skype, though he'd never called and you'd never started a video chat with him. You've been texting him a lot lately too. He'd given you his "new" number a few years ago and you'd just started using it a few months ago. That's when you decided that you wanted to see him again.

And as it turns out he lived in the same state. Not just in the same state but the _same goddamn city_. You're fairly certain that you went to the same college and were in the same major. You're just not sure how you could miss that little fire cracker. He was so small with such a loud voice that it was almost piercing.

You really didn't miss that.

You wonder if he's changed like you have. You've filled out some since high school. No longer the emaciated nerd you once were, you're now a slightly less emaciated nerd who also happens to be in charge of your school paintball teams. If nothing else, the running has reminded you that you need to eat and helped to put just a little bit of muscle on your wiry frame. Your lisp is still prominent, though. Not like it _had_ been. You don't trip over words like asparagus or susuruss anymore, but everyone gives you this _look_ when they hear you speak like "Oh listen to the lisping fag" and that just makes you want to shove them down some stairs and knock their teeth out.

The waitress comes by again and you order another drink. Sure you agreed to meet at seven, but you always liked to be there before people. Plus you couldn't go into this meeting sober. No way.

A deep, rich voice pulls you out of your head. "Sollux?"

You down half of your drink and turn to look. There's no way that this is Karkat. He's too taller. Too big. But you just stare up at him dumbly. "KK?"

He nods and slides into the booth across from you. You turn back towards him, trying not to let yourself stare too much. He's smiling when you finally meet his eyes. "Fuck, I was beginning to think that you'd made this place up." He laughs sharply and that's when you're _positive_ it's him. It's biting and short, but so much lower than what you remember.

But nothing else about him is the same. Where once he was all bone and sinew now he's built like a fucking brick wall. You frown. "So what the fuck happened to my short nerdy friend?"

He rolls his eyes. "I _told_ you, shit sack, I joined the army. I served my time. In the process I fucking grew and, well, I worked out." He huffs. "It's amazing what happens when you get out of a shitty home and actually fucking _sleep_." His eyes scan you up and down. "But what the fuck happened to you? You've hardly fucking changed."

You lean back in your seat with a shrug. One of your feet hits his and you move so it won't happen again. "I guess I was done growing in high school. But fuck you very much I've filled out."

He frowns and _there's_ Karkat. It was hard to see with him smiling earlier but no one can fake a Vantas scowl. "Yeah you've filled out and I've magically become the leader of a group of horned children trying to save the universe."

You shrug. "Fuck, KK, hope you don't kill them all."

You watch as that little vein in his forehead throbs and that just makes you smile. It's been so long since you've seen him face to face. You've missed this shit out loud. "I am an excellent leader! It's not my fault if people don't fucking listen when I give an order."

"You were dishonorably discharged, weren't you."

His expression drooped. "Why would you fucking say that? Do you even know what a dishonorable discharge is?"

"Nope."

"Well then fuck you, Captor." He throws a napkin at you but looks up when the waitress comes around. He orders his drink and you just focus on the cadence of his fucking _voice_. That's just not fair. You're just so nasally and lisping and he's so rich and gravelly. And you hate to even let the word pass through your brain, but his voice is _sexy_.

Once the waitress is gone you take another sip of you drink and set it down with a distinct clink on the table. You turn it with your thumb and ring finger. "So the army. What have you been doing since then?"

He shrugs and looks around the restaurant. The place is too fucking dark to really see anything at all so he has to squint. He looks back at you. "It's just been a lot of shitty jobs after another. College hasn't exactly been great for me."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

You take another drink and keep your eyes on him. "You wanna..."

"I don't wanna fucking talk about it." He crosses his arms over his chest and you suddenly feel very alien. Like you're just some stranger in his life. You haven't seen him in years. You barely talk to him when you're online. You've only just started texting him years after he gave you his number. You chew at your lip and look down before he starts talking again. "So why the fuck did you want to meet now?"

You snap your head up to look at him. "What?"

"After six fucking years. Why now?"

You look away and shrug. "It just felt like the right time I guess."

"The right time?" He leans in, glaring at you. "The _right time_? I thought I was your _best fucking friend_, Sollux! The right time would have been _before_ you fucking moved! The right time would have been after you fucking kissed me!" He puts his hand over his mouth and you slink down in your seat, thinking about the last time you'd seen Karkat Vantas.

_You were seventeen years old and so was he. You were moving away, leaving your friends and some of your family behind. But the only person that you cared about leaving was him. He was your best friend. You'd been with him your entire life. Born within days of each other, you practically waved at him on your way out of the fucking hospital when he was in the nursery._

_And he stood in front of you, looking up at you, angry like always. He had a right to be mad this time. Or at least he was about to. You hadn't really said much about the move. About how far you really moving. Or when it was happening. But that day, before you were leaving, you had to tell him. How far. Where. When._

_But all that you could tell him was that you were leaving the next day. You didn't know when you'd be back. And you put a hand on his face. He was crying then. Angry at the world but mostly at you at this point._

_You leaned down and brought your lips to his. You were sloppy trying to kiss him. You weren't even sure why you were doing it, but you were kissing your best fucking friend. And he was kissing you back. He'd wrapped his arms around you and let out this pathetic little noise as your lips moved clumsily and your tongues brushed against each other's awkwardly._

_You stayed like that for longer than you should have. You'd always thought that he was just your best friend, but after kissing him you wanted more._

_But you didn't want to risk anything._

_So after you'd kissed you told him that you were leaving. And so you left._

_You didn't IM him for nearly a year afterward and all that your message had said was "2up KK."_

_Needless to say he was not amused._

But now he's staring at you. As unamused as the boy you'd left after that kiss. His eyes are older and he's taller than he was, but he's still here. Waiting for you to respond. You take another long drink as the waitress brings his beer. He puts a hand on it and you watch his fingers as they grip the glass.

You sit in silence for so long that you think he'll just leave. You don't have an excuse. What you did was terrible. But you were just a kid. You were just scared. You didn't want to lose him as a friend, and you wanted to be something _more_. He shakes his head at you and leans forward. "You're a weak little man, Sollux Captor. I spent _years_ wondering what was so wrong with me that you'd do that to me. _Years_." He stares you down resolutely.

You'd actually forgotten how much you loved that.

You take a deep breath and let it out. Even with a couple drinks in your system, you're still nowhere near the level of drunk you should be for this. "You wanna go back to my place?"

"Fuck you."

"That was my intention."

This comment just makes him more upset. He looks at his beer like he's thinking about throwing it in your face. Instead he spits. "No. Just no. There is no fucking way. I've spent too long pining for you." He takes a long drink of his beer while you wipe the spit from your face. You know you deserved that.

You look him in the eyes. "Would you at least come with me so I can tell you why I did it?" You lean forward onto the table and watch as he quickly finishes the beer.

He slams down the glass and waves the waitress over, asking her to just bring a fucking pitcher. Those are his exact words of course. Ever polite. He looks back at you while he waits for her to come back. "Why the fuck would I want to listen to you at all?"

You look down, almost hurt. "Because we're _friends_."

His eyes go wide in mock surprise and he puts his hand over his chest. "Oh? Are we friends? Because I thought that friends didn't _do_ shit like that!"

You're getting angry now and you shout at him. "For fuck's sake, KK, it was six fucking years ago! I was a stupid kid!" You flex your hands. "So I'm sorry that it took so long for me to say anything! I'm sorry that I didn't Skype you that much until last year! I'm sorry that I didn't text you until a few months ago, okay? I'm fucking useless at shit like this, you know that."

"No I fucking don't. We haven't had a real conversation in years, Sollux." He flexes his hands like he wants to hit something. You realize that that something is probably you.

"But we could, KK. I us want to be friends again." You still want to be more. You don't say anything about that, though. You can see the rage in Karkat's eyes and, as funny as it was to piss him off when he was a five-foot hundred ball of anger, now it doesn't seem like a good idea. He's not as tall as you, but his biceps are as big around as your thighs. Which might be impressive if you had any mass to your thighs.

"That boat's sailed, Captor." He shakes his head at you.

"But I want to swim out to it, KK. I want to try again." You swallow. "Let's put this shit behind us. Pretend it never happened maybe? Start over."

He sighs and watches as the waitress puts the pitcher down. He pours himself another drink and you see him shaking. He's really fucking pissed off at you. "No. There's not fucking way that I'm going to sit here and do some stupid forgiveness thing and just fucking pretend we've never met. You were my best fucking friend through school. And last I checked, you left. I got new fucking friends. You remember Ampora?"

You snort and finish off what little is left of your drink. "Well duh."

"Turns out he was okay. He joined the navy when I joined the army. We still keep in touch." He narrows his eyes and takes a drink. "Unlike a certain fucker that I know."

"KK I don't know what you want from me."

"I want you to tell me why the fuck you didn't talk to me after that. Why you didn't fucking tell me that you were moving before you did!"  
You swirl the ice in your glass around, watching it shift as it melts. "I was terrified, KK... I didn't know how to tell you and I thought that, just maybe, if I didn't say anything then I wouldn't have to fucking _leave_. Okay? And I kissed you because I didn't want to be friends! I wanted so much _more_ than that, Karkat!" You're gripping the sweating glass tightly. "I wanted to be so much fucking more than just your best friend, okay? And I realized it too fucking late to do anything but what I did!"

"Then why didn't you _say _anything afterward you used puke sack!"

"Because I didn't know what to say!" You're both shouting now. Other patrons are staring at you. You don't care. "I was just a dumb fucking kid that couldn't think of anything to say after he'd kissed the boy he loved, okay? I fucking loved you!"

Karkat looks away, a blush over his cheeks. "Why the fuck didn't you just tell me?"

You shrug and slide the glass back and forth between your hands. "I was scared."

He laughs bitterly and shakes his head as he takes another drink. "You cat fucking piece of shit." He shakes his head and refills his glass, offering it to you. "Take a fucking drink, Sollux. We both need a fucking stern one."

You take the glass and raise it in a toast. "Thanks, KK." You take a long drink from it and slide it across the table. "You sure you don't wanna come back to my place? Maybe we can get something a little stronger and talk about this."

He finishes the glass in a long drink and slams it on the table. "Not before we finish this fucking pitcher."

"Fair enough." He pours himself another glass and pushes the pitcher you. You make a face as you drink the melted ice in the bottom of your glass. It can hardly be called water at this stage. It tastes like diluted scotch but you drink it anyway. You pour some beer into your glass and then drink that just as quickly, glad for the bitter taste in your mouth.

He watches you. "You better slow down, Sollux. You look like a bit of a light weight."

You smirk. "I might look like a light weight but I could drink your sorry ass under the table, KK."

He drinks his beer quickly. "You're just as much of a cocky dick as I remember."

"Yeah, well, that's completely redundant, KK. A cocky dick?" You smirk as you pour yourself another beer. The pitcher is almost empty now.

He shakes his head and sighs. "I missed your special brand of sass in real life. You're a hard one to top like that."

You waggle your eyebrows. "Now you're talking about topping me? I'm starting to think that all you want really is my dick."

He balls up the wet napkin that was his coaster and throws it at you. You hits you square in the jaw and just makes you laugh. "Go to hell!" He's laughing this time, though. He finishes his fourth beer and pours what's left of the pitcher into his glass. He's smiling and shaking his head as he drains the contents of his glass. He sets the glass down with a clack and looks at you. "You're paying."

"Of course I am. A gentleman always pays on the first date." You wink at him and he turns a brilliant shade of pink.

You almost forgot just how cute he is when he does that.

"This isn't a fucking _date_, you prick."

You swallow the lump in your throat as the waitress come back asking if she can get you anything else. You just hand her your card and tell her that you don't need anything but to pay and tip. You stare at Karkat as you speak When she's gone you just blink at him, slowly. "If this isn't a date, then why did you come?" You peer over the top of your glasses at him, hoping that maybe meeting his gaze with catch him off guard.

It does.

"I... I don't fucking know, okay!" He shouts as the waitress drops off your card and the bill to sign. "I don't fucking know why I agreed to meet you today! I had myself convinced that I was over you. That I didn't need you. That I was done obsessing over a boy that would never, could never, love me. And now you say that you fucking _did_? Well you sure have a shitty ass way of showing it, Sollux!" There are tears in his eyes as you sign the receipt and put down the tip. His next words are barely above a whisper. "I should fucking _hate_ you."

You put your card in your wallet as you get out of the booth, looking down at him. "Do you?" You quirk an eyebrow.

"No."

"Then come with me." You hold out your hand and pull him out of the booth. The two of you walk out, a little wobbly, and he looks around the parking lot. "You're not fucking driving, Karkat, you're had like five beers." You motion for him to follow you. "My building's nearby."

He walks behind you in silence. It's strange going anywhere with him without him yelling about things. Maybe the years have made him less angry.

Or maybe they've just honed his anger into a fine blade of rage, ready to strike at any time.

You find that mental image sexy as fuck.

You make it to your building and go inside. You lead him up to the second floor to your apartment. You let him go in first and lock the door behind you when you're inside. He turns around and looks up at you. He shoves you against the door and leans up, face inches from yours.

"Tell me why I don't fucking hate you."

You swallow and look down at him. "I wish I could tell you."

He bites at his lip and then licks it before leaning in to kiss you. It's angry and rough and all you can think is _more_ as he keeps your hands pinned against the door. But he pushes off quickly, a conflicted look on his face. He rubs at the back of his neck and looks down. "I never fucking want to see you again."

You blink and lick your lips, tasting the alcohol from earlier and from his kiss on them. "Then go." Your voice is challenging him to leave. He wants to play the game. You'll play.

He looks back up at you, the scowl still on his face. "You're in the way."

"I know."

He swallows and kicks at the ground. "I'm too fucking drunk to go anywhere."

You smile hopefully. "Then stay with me." He walks closer to you, but then bends down to take off his boots. "Are you staying?"

He throws his boots to the side and stands up. "Where can I fucking sleep?" He isn't looking you in the eyes.

"You can sleep in my room." He growls at you. "Don't fucking growl at me, KK. I was gonna sleep in the living room." You lead him to your room and as you turn to go he blacks the doorway. "KK?"

"Why can't I just hate you?"

"I already told you that I don't know."

"Everything would be so much easier if I could just fucking _hate_ you. I used to . I used to hate you so much that I had dreams about beating the shit out of you." He laughs bitterly. "It got really bad when I enlisted. When I got bigger." You watch as the muscles of his arms tense. "I wanted to break yours bones. I wanted to rip out your heart. I wanted to make you hurt like I fucking hurt."

"KK..."

"No! You don't get to fucking talk!" He's drunk. You can tell this much now. You made a bad choice in letting a man this size drink so much. You moves toward you and you go the only way that you can: back. "You fucking left me there! Alone and fucking confused! All I wanted was my best fucking friend to talk to me! I fucking _called_ you, Sollux! I fucking called! I sent you message after fucking message! I texted you! And you fucking know that my dad made me pay for every _fucking_ text I would send! I texted you until I didn't have any money left!" He shoves you backwards to stumble onto the bed.

You lay there and stare up at him, genuinely scared about what he could do to you now if he wanted to. He stares at you. "I just wanted you to say something, Sollux. _Anything_."

You look away, ashamed, but then look up to meet his gaze. "KK, the last time I saw you we were seventeen. I didn't fucking know how I felt. I was scared fucking shitless. And I couldn't even do anything. Do you know how many times I sat down and started to write up an email to you? How many times I got your messages and stared at my phone until it went _dead_ because I didn't know what to say? Do you know how many times I wanted to call and fucking tell you _everything_ that was going through my head?"

"I don't fucking _care_ how many times you thought about it. The plain fucking fact of the matter is that after a year. _A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!_ Of no word from you! All you fucking _said_ was "sup." You have NO fucking clue how angry I was."

"You're not angry now then?"

"I'm furious. I want to hit you and wring your neck. But." He swallows. "I want to kiss you too."

"Then do it."

He presses a knee between your legs, forcing them apart. "No."

"Fine. Have it your way." You flop back onto the bed but he moves so that he's on top of you, holding down your shoulders. The look on his face has changed dramatically. Where his rage was all that's left is defeat. You're not sure what it is that's made him lose his rage.

You have a feeling that is has something to do with how small you are. You barely weight 150 pounds and at your height it makes you look like skin and bone, despite having filled out some.

He's breathing hard now as he stares down at you. You can practically hear the cogs turning in his head. He swallows. "You'd be okay if I kissed you?"

You laugh. "Well yeah."

"And if I decided that kissing wasn't enough? If I wanted to would you let me fuck you ragged?" His eyes are darting over your face.

You swallow hard. "Yes."

"If I wanted, would you let me make love to you? Soft and gentle."

"Yes."

"If I wanted would you let me just leave. Right now?"

"Yes, though..." You take a deep breath. "Though I'd be sad to see you go."

He leans forward, letting his face to hover inches from your mouth "Why?"

You shudder at the closeness of his mouth. "I don't know."

"That's not good enough."

"I can't tell you why, Karkat."

He smirks. "Are you trying to butter me up by using my name?"

You smirk right back at him. "No."

"Then why are you using it? Why aren't you calling me KK?"

"Because I only do that with my friends."

He frowns. "And so I'm not your fucking friend, is that it?" He tightens his grip on your shoulders.

"No."

"Fuck you."

"You're more than that. I don't fucking know what, but you're so much more than just a friend." You look away. "It's like we've known each other forever. And I know that we pretty much _have_, but it's like there's something older than just knowing each other our entire lives. It all sounds so fucking _cheesy_."

He smiles and leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. It's a strange contrast to the position that you found yourself in earlier. And right now, with him overpowering you like this, the softness of his lips is making you melt. You want to reach up and to pull him closer, but with your arms pinned like this all you can do is buck your hips. It doesn't do anything but press you into his leg. He pulls back from the kiss and looks you in the eyes.

"I don't care how fucking cheesy it is." He moves his hands from holding your arms down to cupping your cheeks. "You stupid fuck." He starts to laugh. "You stupid _fucking fuck_." He presses another kiss to your lips and this time you can pull him close and hold him tightly.

He's so warm. So broad. As he moves his lips you moan quietly into his mouth.

His tongue swipes against your lips as he pulls away and you both let out throaty noises.

A smile spreads across your face and the only thing that you can think to say is, "You'll stay?"

He presses another kiss to your lips and you know that you have your answer.


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up with his arms wrapped tightly around your waist and his head resting against your shoulder. You didn't even bother to take off your glasses last night and they're resting slantwise on your face. You sit up as best as you can and rub your head. You look around, making sure you didn't do anything too stupid last night, though you can't really place everything in the room with only one lens over your eyes. You're basically half blind like this, so your adjust your glasses.

Your room looks like it always does. Clothes are strewn about it and empty cans litter the surfaces. On the opposite side of the room you have a large server set up, generating so much heat that you have to keep your AC turned up year round.

It was terrifying last year when it died, but you'd had it repaired and now it's blasting at a chilly sixty-eight degrees.

But you're not cold at all. Karkat generates enough heat to keep both of you warm and you can't help but to press into him. He stirs and his eyes flutter open. The groggy look on his face makes you want to lean down and kiss him. He's so cute, but at the same time he's gotten almost rugged.

He looks up at you and slowly smiles. He hums a little. "Well you're still here."

"Of course I'm still here. I'm surprised you are."

He huffed a laugh. "You're the one that runs away."

You bristle a little at that. "Do not."

He smiles and leans up to press a soft kiss to your lips. "Do too."

You laugh a little. "Do you work today?"

He groans. "Yeah, I gotta work... Fuck what time is it?"

You look over him to the clock on you desk. "It's about nine."

"I don't work til eleven so I still have some time." He yawns and you lean in to give him another kiss. This is the first one you've initiated since the first kiss you shared.

He leans into it with a heady moan and you let your tongue trace at his lower lip. He pushes away from you and gets off the bed. He stretches, facing you, and his shirt lifts up a little. You can see the line of hair from his belly button down and all that you want to do is reach out and touch it.

You restrain the urge but watch him while he stretches more.

Once he's done he puts his hips and looks down at you. "You wanna get some breakfast?"

"No I wanna fucking sleep more." You rest your head on the pillow and watch his expression fall a little.

"Oh. Well, uh, I'll just be going then..." He turns to leave.

"Wait, KK, come back here." He turns and kneels by the bed, resting his hands on the mattress.

You scoot closer to him and give him another soft, chaste kiss. You pull back and smile at him. "Have a good day at work. Call me when it's done. We can go get some food."

He smiles weakly at you. "All right. Bye." He got up and left, leaving you to what little sleep you can get.

You wake up from a dreamless sleep to a quickly darkening sky and a stinging pain in your stomach. You haven't eaten since yesterday. You pull yourself out of bed and look at the clock. You walk to the bathroom and take a quick shower before looking at your phone.

Three missed calls.

Two unread texts.

_And a partridge in a fucking pear tree_.

You unlock your phone and listen to the messages. All of them are Karkat. It's about five and he got off at about three. Each of his messages is roughly the same, though the third is asking if you're okay or if you're blowing him off. His texts are the same.

The last one was sent while you were in the shower.

You tap out a quick response to let him know that you slept longer than you'd wanted to and that he could come over now. You want to catch up. Maybe make up for lost time.

He responds quickly and buzzes to be let in less than fifteen minutes later.

Once he's inside, you start making some food. Nothing much, just a rice and vegetable thing you learned how to make. Filling and healthy. Just what you need before a run or if you haven't eaten in a while. He's sitting at the table, watching as you cook and you can't help but to feel a little self conscious now. You look at him as you cook the carrots, onions and broccoli.

"So what's your job?" You ask as you stir the vegetables over the medium-high heat.

He shrugs. "It's just a shitty warehouse job. I stock shelves there, work the forklift, carry heavy things. It's boring and meaningless and I would rather eat a plate of fucking glass and nails than work at a job full of such low-brow, mouth breathing troglodytes."

"Wow, KK, you really have a thing against working in a warehouse?"

"Have you ever worked in one?"

You blink as you add spices to the vegetables. "Well, _no_, but it can't be that bad can it?"

He laughs bitterly. "It's horrible. It's a fucking waste for me to be there."

"Then why are you there? Why aren't you in school?" You look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Last I checked, despite your intense case of idiocy, you're actually a pretty fucking smart guy."

He smiles at you. "Thanks, but I tried the college thing and they didn't like me."

"What?"

"I fucking flunked out." He looks away from you and you turn down the heat to put a hand on his head. He looks up at you. "What the fuck?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

He shrugs a shoulder and swats your hand out of his hair. "It doesn't fucking matter. I couldn't do the work."

"What was your major?" You go back to the stove and turn the heat up. The rice is almost done now and the vegetables just have a few minutes left to cook. You feel like some meat would be nice, but you remember that Karkat was vegetarian in high school. Maybe he still is now.

"Programming."

"Hey so's mine." You grin as you stir the food.

"Yeah, well, I made one of the lab computers explode. I don't even fucking know how. It just fucking _happened_..."

You laugh a little. "Didn't that happen when you were like thirteen, too?"

He huffs. "Yeah. Because you sent me that fucking _virus_ you nut sucking fuck."

"Oh yeah." You laugh again as you put the rice in the pan to let it finish cooking with the vegetables. You look back at him. "But they flunked you because of that?"

"No I failed that class and a couple others... The army can only do so much for you if you're a complete fucking waste of space." He crosses his arms over his chest and you can't help but watch the way his skin and muscle moves under his almost too-tight shirt.

You turn the heat down to low to let the food finish and you sit next to him, giving him a stern look. "Only one of us gets the waste of space shit and that one of us is _me_, KK."

"Fuck you." He rolls his eyes and shakes his head with a grin. He's still in good spirits.

You look at the stove. "So are you still vegetarian?"

He raises an eyebrow at you. "Do I fucking look vegetarian to you?"

"Hey one of the biggest guys I know is vegetarian."

He blinks. "Wait. Do you fucking mean Equius Zahhak?"

"Yeah."

"He was my TA in my Bio lab. He was a weird fucker."

You laugh. "Yeah he was my TA, too."

"Small fucking world." He shakes his head again. You stand up and look at the food on the stove. Almost ready.

"So are you still vegetarian?"

"Nah, man. Gave that shit up along with the exclusivity of being straight. Or, well, around the same time I realized that I wasn't." You can feel his eyes on you. "You had a lot to do with that I think."

"I already said I was sorry, KK. I can't really do much else now." He stays quiet while you dish out the food and set the bowls on the table. You feel a little strange without protein, but whatever. Not the first meal you've gone without it and it won't be the last.

The two of you eat in an awkward silence. Or at least it starts out awkward. It eventually becomes fairly comfortable. You smile some as you eat the familiar dish and then turn your gaze to him. He's holding the fork in a vise-like grip. White knuckled with tendons and veins threatening to burst from under his skin. He eats slowly and it looks as if he's thinking something over in his head. Trying to piece everything together. Trying to find what to say. It takes until you've finished your bowl for him to say anything.

"You could take responsibility."

"For what?"

He swallows. "For making me love you for so long. And for making me hate you. For making me want to jump you right now and to bash your face in."

He continues to eat, slowly chewing between what he says.

"Sollux Captor, I don't know how I feel about you, but I'm constantly torn between wanting to make you suffer and wanting to make love to you." He looks you in the eyes as he says this. His voice is strong and unyielding. Like he's rehearsed this a thousand times. But like he's still nervous about what you'll say.

You stand up and take you bowl to the sink. As you rinse it out, you think about what you could say to him. What you should say. You lick your lips and look at him. He's done eating, but he's staring at the bowl. You stay at the sink and bow your head. "I've been a real dick you, Karkat."

"No fucking shit." His voice is weak. You're not sure if you've said this enough.

"I want to make it up to you somehow."

"And just how the fuck do you plan to do that?"

You rub at the back of your head a little and look toward your bedroom door. "I have lube and condoms in my room. If you want me to take responsibility, well, consider this me making the offer. If not, then it's okay if you want to go." You wash your hands and dry them on a towel. A short walk takes you to your room and you sit on your bed, listening to the soft humming and whirring of the server.

A few minutes pass, but it feels like hours. Days. He comes to the door and leans against the frame, like he's not really sure what he's doing. You're certain that neither of you know what's about to happen.

Though you're also certain that what's about to happen isn't going to be any less confusing than what's already between the two of you.

He moves in and positions himself between your legs, like he had yesterday. He leans down to kiss you and you hungrily meet his lips. His hands are on your waist as he moves his lips slowly, gently, against yours.

You make a noise in your throat and move back, pulling him with you.

He groans against your lips and his hands are like hot irons against your skin. The heat is burning through you like you've never though possible. Like he isn't human. He pulls at the hem of your shirt and moves it up, letting his fingers tease at the exposed skin beneath. You lean into the touch, hoping for more of this.

He moves his hands like he's afraid that you'll break. But he keeps them on you as he caresses each inch of skin, like he's afraid that if he loses this contact that you'll just disappear on him again. He breaks away from your lips for only the necessary time that it takes to pull off both of your shirts and toss them aside.

You wrap a leg behind him, trying to assure him that you won't leave. But at this point you're more worried about him leaving. His head is muddled by rage and hate and years of debating over this moment and this situation. He could decide that the only way for this to end is with leaving you like this and never seeing you again.

That feels like it could be poetic justice.

But it also feels like complete and utter bullshit.

You're reassured by his lips. He's pressing them to your neck, sucking just above your carotid artery. He's almost completely silent as he moves against your skin. You never want him to pull away. You want him to stay here, with you.

You're beginning to understand how he must have felt when you kissed him.

But neither of you are seventeen anymore. Neither of you don't know what you're doing. In fact from the way he moves against you, you can tell that Karkat very _much_ knows what he's doing. You want to ask him who taught him this. How he learned to make you want to come just from having his heat pressed against you.

But you don't. You let your voice come out in warbled moans instead. You want him to know that, although he's only kissing you, he's still tearing you apart. Still managing to destroy you, though not in the way that he'd wanted.

You whimper when he pulls off your neck. He stares down at you, his grey eyes piercing you in a way that you didn't think was possible. He moves his hands from your chest and pulls your glasses off, taking care to fold them gently. You're thankful for that. The frames were expensive, even if they are just elliptical, rimless frames. They've been your look since you were a child, after all. Guarding your eyes from harsh speculation as to what color either was.

He leans over and sets them down on your dresser but then looks you in the eyes. It's hard to see him now without your corrective lenses, but you can still feel him looking down at you, almost reverently.

His hands pass over your chest again and, as he presses closer to you, you can feel him through his jeans. Both of you are at least half hard now and you want him. You want him in you and around you. Pressing close and pulling tight. You want him to beg for you and to make you beg him. You want everything he has to offer and you want to give him your everything in return.

He moves a hand down your chest and rests it at the top of your jeans to thumb the belt.

You move your own hands down, fumbling with the damnable buckle. But after a few tries you get it off and he moves his hands to pull down your pants. You wiggle and twist, helping to get them off your too-skinny legs. He growls once they're off and leans back down, pressing a harsh kiss to your lips. His tongue works its way into your mouth and explores while his hands wander your body.

He presses against you again and you can't contain the noise that escapes your throat.

He pulls back again and looks down at you. "Where is it?" His voice is dripping with _need_ and all that you can do is point to the dresser. He moves away from you and you listen as he digs through a draw. He laughs and you realize that he's probably in the top drawer. Ever since you'd gone off to school you'd acquired a collection of sexy odds and ends. But if you know Karkat, and you like to think that you do, then he won't grab any of those things.

What he wants is much more personal than a vibrating cock sleeve.

You hear the rustling of foil on foil and he comes back with a bottle of lube and a roll of your condoms. You don't know if he'll fit into them.

You don't really care.

You lift your head and watch as he strips off the rest of his clothes. You can't help but to be amazed at how compact he is. You've seen guys that have worked out before, but his muscle looks intimidating. Like if he thought about it long enough he could find a way to snap you in half. He's not _big_, but he's definitely intimidating to you.

He opens a foil packet with his teeth and slides it over his length. Like the rest of him, he's compact. Not long, but there was a distinct _weight_ to him. He moves back towards you and pulls at the top of your boxers. You shimmy to help him get them down as quickly as possible.

Once you're naked in front of him you can feel his eyes dissecting you.

It occurs to you that he's probably killed men. He'd been in the army, after all. You decide not to bring it up. You watch as his hands move, opening the bottle of lube and rubbing some on himself. He leans forward and wraps his hand around your cock, forcing you to moan. It's been so long since rough hands have touched you. You can't even remember the last time you'd been with another man.

After Karkat you'd mostly gone after women, only occasionally sleeping with men that wanted to break you.

You learned quickly that you weren't cut out for that. You were too frail. Bruised too easily.

You're brought back to the present by a finger pressing against you. You wrap your fingers in his hair and he leans forward, kissing at your stomach then sucking hard at patches of skin. You pull at his hair, trying to get him up to your lips and he takes the cue, moving his hand away from your cock and rubbing against your side.

Your lips mash together as your tongues dance like two lost lovers, finally reunited.

As you kiss, his finger presses inside of you easily, this isn't the first time you've done this after all, and soon he presses in a second. He presses in deep, but it's more teasing than anything. He barely brushes against your prostrate and the touch just makes you groan for more. He slides in a third finger letting them press up. You keen as he spreads them inside of you but whimper as he closes them again to pull them out.

Your breath hitches as you feel his tip press into you and then you let out a moan as he presses forward.

His silence has you worried. You've never known Karkat to be this quiet.

But you can't concentrate on that. He's moving into you agonizingly slowly while his lips are moving at a needy, hungry pace. The dance of your tongues has gone from a languid waltz to a frantic rave. You wrap your arms around his neck and your legs behind his back, pulling him in faster. He presses in and you feel him flush against you now.

He lets out a little moan. The first sound that he's made in a while.

As he makes his little noise, he pulls back and presses in again, roughly. His pace goes like this, pulling back and moving forward roughly. After a few passes, he's found your prostate and is hitting it with each thrust. You press back against him as you arch your back.

He keeps his mouth pressed against your but you can feel him straining not to make noises. You break your mouth away, panting and squint up at him, trying to see more of his face.

"It's fine, Karkat," you pant and swallow, "you can make noise. I want you to."

He smiles and rests his head against your shoulder. "Thank fucking god." His voice is raspy and deeper than normal, like he's straining to keep it even. "You have no idea how much I've fantasized about this." He nips at your shoulder but sits up, still thrusting, and holds your legs. "I've wanted to see your spread out like this for me for years. I've wanted to just throw you down and fuck you. To break you." You groan. His _voice_. If it was sexy before then now it's the voice of a god come down to earth.

"More." It's the only thing you can think to say as he talks and thrusts into you.

He smirks and lifts one of your leg a little, kissing your bony knee. "Of course you want more. You're a little slut aren't you?" You moan in affirmation. _Yes I'm a slut and I'm especially a slut for you._ That's what the moan means. You're not sure if he understands, but he thrusts faster, harder. "You're getting off on being put down. Of course you would. The one person in my life that I hate more than myself is getting off on being told how terrible he actually is."

You moan and arch your back again. You don't care what it s he's saying. Just so long as he doesn't stop speaking.

And he doesn't. He goes on and on, going from telling you how horrible you are to how amazing you are. Like he still can't decide if you're fucking or making love. You're not sure either if you're being honest. But whatever it is, it's sending you over the edge.

The heat pooling in your abdomen is almost unbearable and Karkat's moved one hand to pump lazily at your cock. Not hard enough to make you come, but not slow enough to not be noticeable.

You glare up at him. "Just fucking do it!"

He smirks and licks his lips. "No I think I'm gonna make you beg like a good little boy."

You breath harder as keeps up his pace thrusting into you. You wonder if he's having a hard time standing. You hate to think that he's not feeling anything, but you just really want to come now. His thumb brushes against your head and smears some of the remaining lube there, mixing with your dribbling precome. You lick your lips and demean yourself. "Please."

"Please _what_?" His voice is rough, licking through your senses like a cat's tongue.

"Please help me come." You're whimpering now. Unlike him your voice is warbling and high pitched. He moves his hand faster and harder, keeping pace with his thrusts and you can feel yourself coming with a high moan. A hot sticky mess sprays over his chest and your stomach, but he keeps thrusting into you.

This is where he gets to fuck you ragged.

He's still talking, but his words are nonsense, spattered with "I love you" and "I hate you" and "Don't leave me."

After a harsh minute of his still hard cock pistoning into you, he moves back then forward with a slow gentle movement and finally comes. He moans out your name and stays inside you until he's done coming.

He slides out of you and peels the condom off, tossing it in the trash by the bed. He flops down next to you and doesn't say anything.

You look at him and smile. "That was something, Karkat."

"So I'm not KK anymore?"

"I told you that I do that to my friends. Seems like you're a little more than that now."

He smiles. "Really?"

"Yes really."  
"Can you still call me KK? I... I kind of like having a nickname." His face flushes more than it already is as he looks away.

"Yes, I can still call you KK."

He looks back up at you and presses a soft kiss to your lips. It's so much more gentle than the kisses you were exchanging earlier. He brings a hand to your face and cups your cheek, his fingers brushing against your ear and side burns. When he pulls back you both let out breathy sighs and he smiles at you broadly. Such a rare sight on him.

You have to squint to keep him in your field of vision. "KK?"

"Yeah Sollux?" His hand is still against your face, and his fingers still brushing softly at your skin.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?"

You shrug a shoulder. "Those I love you's. And I hate you's."

He bites his lip and averts his eyes. "Yeah, uh, I guess I did."

You sigh and move a little closer, wrapping an arm under his. "Which do you mean right now?"

"Right now?"

"Yeah."

He swallows hard. "All of it probably."

"I can deal with that."

"What?"

You smirk. "Remember when I said I loved you?"

"Of course, dick pony."

"I lied. I still do."

You hear him laugh excitedly. "No shit?"

"No shit."

He presses a soft kiss to your shoulder and you can feel him smile. "You're not going to disappear then?"

"Not unless you want me to, KK."

He holds you and rolls so that you're on top of him. It's a little awkward with his diminutive height, but you just curl up as best as you can. You try to not jab him with a knee or an elbow, and he doesn't complain, so you think that you do all right.

But none of that matters. Suddenly you're seventeen again, cuddling with the boy that you love and hoping that it never ends.

You brush a strand of hair out of his face and press another light kiss to his lips before falling into a contented sleep.

You dream of a life where you never lose this.

And you realize that it doesn't _have_ to be a dream.


End file.
